Like No Evangelist I've Ever Seen

The Gospel of Judas and Howard

The folks at National Geographic are all abuzz. April 6, 2006 they gave us the Gospel of Judas, found in the 1970’s Egyptian desert .

The Gospel of Judas (I kid you not) asserts things found no where else. Judas was not Jesus’ betrayer. No. Instead, they were the best of chums, and Judas betrayed Jesus only because Jesus asked him to. Not only that, Jesus gave his special friend inside tips that he kept secret from the other eleven.

Of course, this gospel contradicts everything else in the Bible, but no matter. Research is research.

Intrigued, I went down to the desert and poked around. Sure enough, I too found an ancient gospel, the Gospel of Howard. My hands trembled as I leafed through the crumbling pages, and I gasped at the new truths I learned

According to this exciting new find, Howard, like Judas, was Jesus' favorite, and is affectionately called 'Howie' throughout the gospel. Howie was the only disciple whom Jesus bowled with, generally every Wednesday night, until, discouraged at the Master's continual 300 games, he sold both his shoes and ball.

Next, and this revelation took my breath away, the mark of the beast never was 666! That was only an accident! Turns out that a scribe had left his copying briefly, likely to use the bathroom, though we can’t be certain of his exact reason. While he was gone, his wife came in to dust, just as my wife does, and inadvertently caught the corner of the original with her feather duster, spinning it completely around. Not noticing, the copyist upon returning, resumed his work, and copied 666, when it should have been 999!

I took my find straight down to the authorities so that they could include it in the Bible canon. So far, though, the soreheads only want to fire it from a cannon. But I’m patient. Attitudes change.

What do you mean, you don’t believe it? You got something against advancing knowledge?

Defending Jehovah’s Witnesses with style from attacks... in Russia, with the book ‘I Don’t Know Why We Persecute Jehovah’s Witnesses—Searching for the Why’ (free).... and in the West, with the book, 'In the Last of the Last Days: Faith in the Age of Dysfunction'



Tom, wonderful satire here! When that show came out, a friend at work asked me what I thought. So I posed a simple question to her...

If a National Inquirer was unearthed 1,000 years from now and people mistook it for a Holy Book, how would you feel?

She responded that she thought that was funny. I then asked, "how would the people in the future know the difference?"

I saw her finger on the light switch...

"How do we know the authenticity of this find, as far as the life of Jesus is concerned?"

The lightbulb came on. Sadly, this person still wants to sound smart and still talks about it on occasion, but she leaves me alone about it which is all I really ask in life anyway...


And to think that I wasted my high school years asking girls to the St. Vitus Day dance.

What next? The "Fully-Patented Gospel of Lex Luthier"?

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